Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)
Director: Alexander Witt
Writer: Paul W.S. Anderson
1.5 / 5 zedheads
You know those dogs you sometimes meet that strike you as extraordinarily dumb? I mean the kind of big, slobbering, dumb brutes that run around the room for no reason, bark at nothing, scare themselves with their own shadows, and get so excited they're liable to pee all over the floor for no reason. Resident Evil: Apocalypse is that kind of dog.
Some weeks ago, in preparation for the release of Resident Evil: Retribution, I began revisiting the Resident Evil film franchise. Much to my surprise, I found myself appreciating the first film in the franchise more than I did the first time I watched it. Unfortunately, I can't say the same thing about the stiff, bone-headed, and insufferably ridiculous orgy of Matrix-inspired action that is the sequel: Resident Evil: Apocalypse.
|An apocalypse of backlit zombies!|
|Umbrella takes branding to the next level|
|School's been blown to pieces|
|Jill Valentine can read me my rights anytime|
|What's an Resident Evil movie without dobermans?|
While Valentine and others hunker down in a Church fighting Lickers, Alice flies her motorbike through a stained glass window and lands on one of the creatures. How did she know the survivors were in there, why did she choose to help them instead of any other survivors she may have seen, and how did she know when to come through that window in order to take out the mutant creatures she couldn't see inside? Because that's sweet, man.
You get the idea, right? Alice running down the side of a skyscraper, Umbrella managing to convince the whole world a city was destroyed by a nuclear meltdown instead of a nuclear attack despite the fact that nuclear meltdowns can't cause mushroom clouds, and Alice's bewildering escape from Umbrella at the end despite every reason to the contrary why it shouldn't happen -- all these things happen for the sake of happening. Any explanation is steamrolled over in order to get to the next lame joke or unimaginative action sequence.
|The Tears of a Nemesis|
|Gives me flashbacks to Alien Resurrection. That's a good sign, right?|